In those circumstances, I'm suggesting that it's still bad for a white man to use that phrasing against a woman because of the (long, long) history at work. It's not bad in the same way for a man to use it against a man or a woman to use it.

This makes sense only if we assume that this "(long, long) history" has rendered women de facto inferior at dealing with hostile argument from men, compared to men dealing wtih hostile argument from women. But if this is true, then the real problem is the assumption on the part of the women that they must defer to men -- and the only way the women can overcome this problem is by gaining experience in standing up for themselves. Coddling them won't give them this experience: instead, it will teach them that they need special treatment because they can't hack it the same way men can.

I speak as a man who has mostly loved and befriended very intelligent and strong-minded women who didn't take crap from nobody. :)