Alexandra Quick and the Thorn Circle: Author's Notes (Chapter 10: Chicken)

[inverarity]

On the OF front: over 88K words now. Goodness, I might end up not keeping my first draft under 100K words. Gonna try, though. I still feel like the ending is a slow, laborious crawl on the distant horizon, but if I just disciplined myself better, which I have been having a terrible time doing lately, it could be done in a week or two.

Not this week, though. I have some stuff going on that is causing moderate levels of stress and anxiety, plus my mood lately has just been... not good. Sometimes I wish my LJ was more personal and "chatty," but then I'd have to start seriously filtering who's on my flist and thinking about occasionally locking posts (and probably being less reticent about banning people who make the Internet unpleasant), and that goes against the purpose I originally set this blog up for.

Meh.

Chapter 10: Chicken.

Detention with Mr. Journey turned out not to be so bad, although Alexandra grimaced a little every time he called her “Starshine,” and then glared at David, as he found it highly amusing.

Anyone want to point out why the above sentence is badly written? (Not you, swissmarg, I know it would have jumped out at you. ;)) I guess I like pointing out all these little writing "oopses" of mine because it makes me feel better that at least I can spot errors like this more readily now. I like to think that means I make them less often.

So, this is the chapter where the Larry/Alexandra rivalry heats up in earnest. One of the criticisms I've heard often enough to believe it's an issue is that I dragged that theme out too long and for too many chapters in book one, so I'm going to be paying special attention to that. Larry was originally just an obnoxious pureblood kid meant to be a foil for Alexandra - her Draco, basically. I never intended him to be an exact analog of Draco — for example, even though he's clearly a bully and a bigot, you see later even in this book that he is not completely without some redeeming qualities, a hint that as unpleasant as he may be now, he's still just thirteen, which means he could well grow up to be a decent person.

Or maybe not.

Larry was initially just a recurring Draco-like antagonist, but I knew he needed a more interesting role to justify so many appearances, so even in book one, I was deciding what he was going to do in future books besides just trade insults with Alexandra.

It seemed to Alexandra that she was much smarter and more talented than the other kids in her classes, but she usually thought that in Larkin Mills as well – she just didn't care enough about grades or schoolwork to worry about it. Now she resented the fact that she was learning magic more slowly than if she were in a regular class. She was sure that even Mr. Hobbes, Mr. Newton, and Mr. Grue had to be noticing her efforts.

Alexandra was kind of charming back when she was more blatantly and unselfconsciously full of herself.

Ms. Shirtliffe also makes another appearance in this chapter, and there are some hints here about both Ms. Shirtliffe and Larry Albo that probably won't be fully explained until book five or six.

This chapter also contains the first appearance of Galen.

Alexandra uses doggerel verse a lot in this chapter, including a lengthy curse on Larry and the Rashes that is not exactly the best rhyming meter, but shows off once again her ability to use pretty powerful magic. Larry calls her and David "Mudblood" again. And Anna, not for the last time, tries to act as Alexandra's conscience.

Alexandra got into bed herself, feeling angry and sad, but unwilling to apologize or admit that she was wrong.

She never meant to hurt her friends, but she was proud, and stubborn.

And finally, there is the aerial duel between Alexandra and Larry, ending with Alexandra showing exceptional prowess on a broom and once again showing up poor Larry.

This is one of those moments that one of my earlier betas (miles2go) called Mary Sue-ish. I am still not entirely certain about it, just as I'm not certain about any of the moments that some readers think are Sue-ish (Alexandra beating up an older boy, Alexandra bluffing her way out of trouble, Alexandra casting a spell that turns Charlie into a giant raven, etc.) and some think are just Alexandra being a protagonist who is exceptionally talented like a main character should be.

Yes, Alexandra probably shouldn't be able to pull off hotshot aerial maneuvers practically her first time on a broom. Especially since I've never done much with this particular talent. It was partly deliberate — a tip of the hat to Harry Potter and his preternatural Quidditch skills as a First Year — and partly just because I liked the mental image of this scene, and it fit the "Chicken" theme which I chose for this chapter. I've shown Alexandra to be a pretty good flyer in subsequent books, but obviously she has never taken up Quidditch or Quodpot. (Fortunately for poor David's ego, as she'd almost certainly be better than him.)

Anyway, there was a lot of Larry and Alexandra rivalry in this chapter, but quite a few other details and hints about other things. I think it might have been just a little bit overlong, but not too bad.

And we end with another trip to the Dean's Office.

Comments

[kith-koby.livejournal.com]

Well, it's a run on sentence with several clumsy turns of phrase, but otherwise I don't see a problem besides 'show, don't tell'.

I never really saw a problem with certain of Alexandra's skills, because she wasn't actually using them. How many times have we seen her really fly? She does it with Max, and when she needs to fight. But while she likes it, it's not a sport or escape for her as it is for Harry Potter. It's just a hobby she's good at it and enjoys. If she would constantly use it to do something that advanced the plot and solved her problems, it would be more problematic.

[inverarity.livejournal.com]

It's not a run-on. But there is subject confusion in the subordinate clauses.

[swissmarg]

Well, there is something I would have pointed out about that sentence but I'm not sure if it's the same thing you mean. And now I am super curious about what you have planned for Ms. Shirtliffe. I always figured you were going to build something up for Larry, but I didn't see anything larger looming for her.

[tealterror0.livejournal.com]

I didn't see any of the promised "hints" about Shirtliffe or Larry, but then again I didn't exactly go through the chapter with a fine-toothed comb.

The reason people, including me, got annoyed with the Larry/Alex rivalry in this book is that it just...well, wasn't that interesting. Most of their confrontations were basically the same (Larry provokes Alex, she outdoes him in some fashion, then they get punished by Lilith). I should also point out that I'm not a fan of any of these kind of petty school rivalries; at least Draco never really did anything until book 6, lol.

I don't think Alex being good at flying was a Mary Sue moment, since the HP books established that some people really are prodigies at it. I do feel that her being able to shrink a giant statue at age 11 was a bit Mary Sue-ish, but maybe she just happens to be quite skilled at changing the size of things. :p

[thirdgorchbro.livejournal.com]

It's a fine line to walk, telling the story of a tremendously talented protagonist without stepping over the line into Sue-dom. I'd say you almost always land on the right side of the line. The flying thing might be a little iffy, but Alex was only average on a broom we wouldn't have had the even more awesome game of chicken with Max in the next book.