My comment is too long, so I'm putting in ellipses: I wouldn't say I was raised in a "less connected family." I had one very good parent and one very bad parent--so I think ...) Let's not just trust each others' assessments- I think we really do agree on this, just your scale of good is slightly lower than mine.
Lol. Given we do have a cultural bias toward biological parenthood, it's likely that in the majority of cases the relationship won't be equal. But that's not an inherent thing; it's the product of the culture. Edit: IMO, at least. There is definitely a cultural bias towards biological parenthood - and I would argue it comes from a biological bias towards ones' children. In the past, when food was scarce, children who were adopted or had step parents were at a severe disadvantage. Today it's not as evident. IMO, of course.
I agree. If I ever adopt a child I intend to let the child know they're adopted as soon as possible (assuming they don't already know). Right - by the age of 3 they should hear the word. But there's also no point drilling it into them. As with everything, there's a balance.
Perhaps, but I don't think that internal conflict is inevitable..... Whether wanting to know one's relatives is biological or cultural: there's an interesting study on twins where one dies in utero, the other tends to have attachment issues. (I once told my family about this over dinner, in detail - one sibling semi-jokingly commented that they always felt they were missing something. My mother was shocked, she said that child had had a twin who disappeared early in the pregnancy, she never thought about it.)
Think about it: One wants to know their parents to know who they could have become and what to expect from life. It is very sad when someone cannot find their biological parents or have a relationship, but we aren't sad because, oh, they could have adopted me and I would have had a better life, rather, they wish their parents were better. I don't think this is purely cultural, but like you said, it's an opinion.
I dunno about that. It's never easy being someone's kid, bio or not. ;) Maybe, it's certainly easier than being someone's parent!
Hmmm...that's an interesting question. I am not myself adopted, nor do I know anyone who is--so this debate is hypothetical for me as well. . I hear your point about chosen love, and why it would bother you that something thinks love is something you can't control. I definitely agree that love is a choice, in fact I'd go further and say that love comes from actions, not the other way around. (Actions again - I have to see something demonstrated or it means nothing to me.) OTOH, a biological mother has no choice, but she does have to keep the baby and work hard, even moving during the later months is often difficult. Whether she likes it or not, she learns to give and think of another being before herself, and this is the first kind of love a baby experiences. I believe this is a unique bond. Of course, I agree that an adopted child can have a wonderful bond, far better than they would have with their mother. But the potential is greater with a biological mother. That's all I'm saying.
Just noting - an adopted child can be related to you and you already know you have what it takes to support them, at least financially. I think a marriage is the best example of chosen love. One has to choose a person, then choose to love them.
Oh, and I do know something about the foster system - it is nothing like being adopted. I feel terrible for any child in that system, at least in the USA. Any angst they have is usually justified. But I don't read such stories and wouldn't know.
I'm not the greatest writer and can hardly complain over mis-statements by others (I only hate grammar and spelling mistakes, and make mistakes myself whenever I attempt to correct them, so I don't.)
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Re: tealterror
Date: 2012-04-29 06:45 pm (UTC)I wouldn't say I was raised in a "less connected family." I had one very good parent and one very bad parent--so I think ...)
Let's not just trust each others' assessments- I think we really do agree on this, just your scale of good is slightly lower than mine.
Lol. Given we do have a cultural bias toward biological parenthood, it's likely that in the majority of cases the relationship won't be equal. But that's not an inherent thing; it's the product of the culture. Edit: IMO, at least.
There is definitely a cultural bias towards biological parenthood - and I would argue it comes from a biological bias towards ones' children. In the past, when food was scarce, children who were adopted or had step parents were at a severe disadvantage. Today it's not as evident. IMO, of course.
I agree. If I ever adopt a child I intend to let the child know they're adopted as soon as possible (assuming they don't already know).
Right - by the age of 3 they should hear the word. But there's also no point drilling it into them. As with everything, there's a balance.
Perhaps, but I don't think that internal conflict is inevitable.....
Whether wanting to know one's relatives is biological or cultural: there's an interesting study on twins where one dies in utero, the other tends to have attachment issues. (I once told my family about this over dinner, in detail - one sibling semi-jokingly commented that they always felt they were missing something. My mother was shocked, she said that child had had a twin who disappeared early in the pregnancy, she never thought about it.)
Think about it: One wants to know their parents to know who they could have become and what to expect from life. It is very sad when someone cannot find their biological parents or have a relationship, but we aren't sad because, oh, they could have adopted me and I would have had a better life, rather, they wish their parents were better.
I don't think this is purely cultural, but like you said, it's an opinion.
I dunno about that. It's never easy being someone's kid, bio or not. ;)
Maybe, it's certainly easier than being someone's parent!
Hmmm...that's an interesting question. I am not myself adopted, nor do I know anyone who is--so this debate is hypothetical for me as well.
.
I hear your point about chosen love, and why it would bother you that something thinks love is something you can't control. I definitely agree that love is a choice, in fact I'd go further and say that love comes from actions, not the other way around. (Actions again - I have to see something demonstrated or it means nothing to me.)
OTOH, a biological mother has no choice, but she does have to keep the baby and work hard, even moving during the later months is often difficult. Whether she likes it or not, she learns to give and think of another being before herself, and this is the first kind of love a baby experiences. I believe this is a unique bond.
Of course, I agree that an adopted child can have a wonderful bond, far better than they would have with their mother. But the potential is greater with a biological mother. That's all I'm saying.
Just noting - an adopted child can be related to you and you already know you have what it takes to support them, at least financially. I think a marriage is the best example of chosen love. One has to choose a person, then choose to love them.
Oh, and I do know something about the foster system - it is nothing like being adopted. I feel terrible for any child in that system, at least in the USA. Any angst they have is usually justified. But I don't read such stories and wouldn't know.
I'm not the greatest writer and can hardly complain over mis-statements by others (I only hate grammar and spelling mistakes, and make mistakes myself whenever I attempt to correct them, so I don't.)